You’ve seen the ads, the images on TV. How would
you describe that beautiful woman? Helpless? Insecure? Needy? Nope. She is
powerful—no pain, no problems. She is sexy, seductive and in control, and
because of that, the world can’t hurt her.
She controls men with her beauty, determining
whether or not they will drool over her. She also controls her friendships,
gaining and disposing of them at any time because she has the power—all eyes on
her.
Like many of you, I wanted to be like that image.
I thought, if I could just be skinny, I, too, would be accepted,
sought after, and desired. I wanted to stop the pain, the feelings of
shame and the rejection. I wanted to be loved.
Slowly, I waded out into the world of diets. I
just want to be wanted. I ended up head-deep in anorexia and
bulimia.
It started with the scale. Making the numbers
drop became my new favorite hobby. I hid, I lied . . . I got attention.
And it felt good for a while. I was popular and I was powerful. But what began
as a quick way to lose weight soon became an addiction I couldn’t let go
of.
And I was kidding myself. The people I was
getting attention from weren’t my friends. The scale and the mirror had become
my companions. I would pick up the handheld and analyze my naked body from all
angles—sitting, standing, lying on my back, stomach, and side. I would pull at
my skin, measuring everything with my eyes. I lost hours doing this. I had to
make sure I never went over a certain number on the scale because if I did, I
was fat and I may as well die. I never missed a workout. Numbers filled my
head. I was severely bound.
Having a perfect body was a very false sense of
security.
What I thought was beauty was nothing more than a
protective shell, something chiseled and formed by spending hours at the gym
and skipping meals. And while I thought I was earning love, I was actually
keeping love out.
Love is real—alive and vulnerable. It lets other
in, and it comes pouring out of a heart that knows its worth. But by being
bulimic, I was living a lie, only letting others see what I wanted them to
see.
Bulimia, or any type of body-image obsession, is
a trap. Images of powerful women lure us in, tricking us into believing that
that’s what we need to be loved. But the problem is, chasing after the perfect
body causes us to become so focused on ourselves that we have no way of being
close to people. We become so ensnared that we are too busy hiding, thinking
about the food, the clothes, the number on the scale, or how many calories
we’ve eaten to ever be present.
In recovery, I found that the biggest reason to
let go of the eating disorder was this: to have intimacy with a God who felt
distant and to share the depths of who I am with my family and friends. To love
completely and to be completely loved—to be fully alive and to bring life to a
dying world.
I’ve realized that who I am is not just what you
see. My body is not who I am. There is a soul and a spirit in here. There is a
character and personality in here that was especially designed to be alive
today. And by being bulimic, I’m killing that girl. I’m becoming numb and
slowly dying.
Manipulated love is not true love. Putting on a
costume and making heads turn is not real. It’s not vulnerable. It’s not alive.
It’s contrived and tenuous – if I gain weight or don’t look cute I am not
loved.
What an exhausting way to live.
I don’t want a love based on such shaky ground. I
don’t want a love that I have to control and earn by spending hours at the gym.
I don’t want attention from friends because I just got a trendy new necklace. I
want a love that is free. A love based on who I am, not on what I look like or
how cute or sexy I can act. I want to be me!
The world has taught us to use our bodies to earn love. The result is that we
end up with guys who don't treat us the way we desire to be treated. Though it
might feel good to get attention when we put our bodies on display, it’s not
the kind of attention we truly long for. What we really want is to be known,
seen, loved and understood—not just gawked at like any other object.
Today I am happily married to a man who fell in love with me, not
just my body. I didn’t have to fish for him using the powers of seduction.
Jesse was attracted to me, because I was being me, not
slaving away at the gym or buying up all the latest trends. And because of
that, I don’t have to live in fear of gaining a few pounds here and there. I
love being active and eating healthy, but not because of fear, because it’s
part of who I am. I know Jesse loves me, and all that I come
with. There are no games and nothing is hidden. He gets all of me, not just
what I want him to see. So much better than striving to be loved!
If we want to be loved and respected by men, then
we need to carry ourselves in a way that portrays that message. I'm not saying
that we need to be nuns or dress in dorky clothes. I love looking cute and
dressing up, but there are plenty of ways to be fashionable without showing off
parts of us that aren't for sale.
Since giving up the pursuit to look like that
woman in the magazine, I’ve learned that my beauty is powerful.
The beauty I walk in now carries the power to bring life and healing into
people’s lives. When I am at peace with who I am, others can be at peace, too.
I can connect with people on a level that my heart has always longed
for.
For the first time, I feel known. I’m not hiding
anymore. I don’t live in competition or the fear of rejection. I don’t change
my desires and opinions to fit in. And I’m sometimes surprised when women want
to hang out with me. What do they see in me? I’m not trendy and I certainly
don’t have a perfect body. But time and time again, they come to me for help,
for friendship and for love. And I realize that what I do have is freedom. And
it’s not because I’m striving. It’s because I’m resting—resting in the
revelation of God’s great love for me.
If you’re questioning whether or not you really
want to be free, to let go of an eating disorder, or the hope of losing those
five pounds, know that contrived beauty cannot earn you the true love you
desire. Your beauty comes from knowing who you are. You are God’s beautiful
creation, the one His heart desires. He is gazing at you with a love in His
eyes that is so powerful He cannot contain it. You make His heart burst with
joy. And He is so proud to be your Dad.
Beauty is powerful, but manipulated love is not
love at all. True beauty invites, it lets others in—it heals, and it creates a
place for others to be themselves. And that is powerful!
Always remember this when the images in front of you are telling you otherwise.
I know I need these little reminders every now and then.
You are wanted. You are loved. And yes,
you are beautiful.
If you’d like to read more about how I conquered
the lies of eating disorders, please visit www.burningonebooks.com.
